The magical 5 letter word

   I have always been conscious of my high levels of ego and found it very hard to control it..But occasionally I have noticed this great quality in me (oh yeah I am not modest :) ) to apologise when I feel I have to. For, an emotional person like me friends, relatives and parents matter a lot,as they give me the support without which I simply cannot be me!

So today, I felt I was acting in a petulant way, unable to pull myself together when two of my best mates got placed while I did not. There is also this friend, who has been rather good to me but has of  late acted in an irksome way. He is a little too touchy and I have been typically me, (absent minded). In the evening I met my ex- room mate and for some unfathomable reason we avoided each others eyes and walked away. I was aware that for quite some time, there had been a kind of  coldness, the reason for which I really had no idea of.. As I sat sipping my tea, I realised  I did not like it that I was not in good terms with four of my friends, especially because each of them have made my day some time or the other. So, I decided to sort it out with all of them. Thanks to technology, it makes a lot of awkward exchanges much less uncomfortable.

Believe me, saying sorry, I mean a ‘contrite apology’ is the simplest thing on earth, provided you tell your ego to f*** off for a moment. And the relief it gives you, when things are sorted out…!!

Infact, I find it okay to say sorry even if I am sure the fault is not mine. What we basically do is pamper the ego of the other person by bending a little and thus make things a little more conducive for peace talks :) . Then, by keeping our cool and discussing things out with an open mind, we can solve most of our so- called problems.

Most often, what we consider to be an issue at one instant will seem to be a ridiculous joke when seen at some other point of time.

So let us go to the gain and loss part of this. What we are not able to do is satiate our ego. It initially hurts our ego so much, to condescend and apologise to another person ( immaterial of whether the fault is ours or not..again deciding on whose fault it is, is itself contentious :) ). And anyway, what do we gain by letting our ego reign high! It only makes us more crazy, less humane. But what do we gain by apologising?? This is the best part.. the contentment we get is inexpressible. We feel so happy with ourself, especially if we have patched up .. and even if we have not, we simply like ourself for having done our best, for not having been myopic.

Today I felt, hatred, misunderstanding and dislike only negate our life. There is only more to loathe or feel bad about. But the moment we learn to be cordial, the world will seem to be a more beautiful place.. after all, we live but once, so if not for any gain, I told myself, let me just apologise to not lose!! (note: this is not an attempt to preach.. it has always worked for me so I decided to make it into a blog post:) )

an old man ponders...

Everything seemed to be at peace in that sun burnt streets of Srirangam. Somewhere, a stray dog squatted under the shade of a tree, trying to take a short nap, as an emaciated cow chewed off a piece of notice stuck on a wall. The roads were deserted except for an occasional two wheeler or a car. The majestic Raja gopuram, seemed to stand undaunted by the scorching heat, psychedelic against the azure sky. As almost all the old people of this Brahmin dominated quaint little town tried resting their aching bodies and drifting off into a siesta, at 45. Thiruvadi Street sat a short, dark nonagenarian, stoic and avid, listening to his favorite twenty year old granddaughter. What was she babbling about, he thought .The little girl, who once  went to school clutching his hand, who adamantly cried to go back home, as she hid from her teacher, behind him when he came to give her lunch, his pattu (silk), who tottered with him to the evening market, in a frock, her hair neatly plaited with a ribbon, bursting with queries and ideas about the world she was getting to know, waiting for her thatha (grandpa) to get her favorite strawberry lollypop, his dear one ,who he fed chapattis soggy in sambar, was now acquainting him with what she called “a most wondrous machine”.

She was telling him about computers and internet. The computer, she said was an electronic device that could satisfy most of the needs of the common man; with internet, one could see and chat with a person thousands of miles away, book tickets, get songs and movies, transact money…The old man looked on, unable to comprehend with this latest advancement that was a dream in his time. He asked,” so, if I  have to withdraw money from the bank how can I do it with a computer”, for which she asked, “ why would you want to withdraw” .”For buying groceries”, he said. ”That’s simple, you can just order all the groceries you need over phone and transact money online to the shop’s account”. He looked sullen. Something troubled him. All his questions got answers, but none satisfied him. If the launderer could come home to collect all the clothes to be washed, who did the washing, a machine? Then what about all the people who could have replaced it, desolate and penniless, looking for another job? And the government was talking about five year plans to alleviate poverty! What a paradox! He sighed glumly and thought of his own school days when he would walk for furlongs to his school, when food was unadulterated, when the air was clean, rains even though not perennial, satiating. Few were educated, but education was pragmatic. Individuality was praised and there was room for creativity. He then studied a science that he thought would ameliorate lives and serve mankind. But what he saw now was a suppression of the natural human instincts of spontaneity and creativity. If everything could be done by machines, then where was the scope for one to exercise the ability to think and reason that sets man apart from all other species? The technology that had evolved from science had over powered man and mechanized the world. Machines not emotions ruled man. Not being able to vent his natural instincts, man had taken up the radical path of war and weaponry. The world was torn by strife and disharmony. Men had no tolerance, for another country, another religion or another race. It was a picture of discord and pathos that flashed in his mind. A turmoil raked the frail man, as he sat blinking his cataract stricken eyes at the blur that was his granddaughter, who smiled at him, with an expression, he felt was pity. He patted her and murmured sadly, “at least I will not have to see more of this!!”

life fuzzified

                                                                                  
As a kid tottering with a bag  and a lunch box to my kindergarden, i remember being asked if  i am a good or bad girl.I was then told I am good if i finish my lunch  .Not wanting to be called bad, i would quickly gobble my lunch down.The other day, my friend asked me conversationally if she was good or bad.Queer, I thought and smiled to myself. What  exactly is 'good' and 'bad'?
    There are fundamentally two kinds of logic, that can be applied to define life, the people and happenings in it, with respect to a person-binary and fuzzy.Binary logic was proposed by one of the greatest thinkers of all times,Aristotle.It essentially is about solving a problem, by writing it as a series of simple questions which can be answered by a yes or no (logical 1 or 0) and  thus , we systematically  arrive at the solution.This is the most primitive form of logic, that has from then on been incorporated everywhere from one's personal life to technology, which is in a way all that materialistically satisfies human needs and sophisticates our lives.
   Some of the greatest advancements in engineering are all based on binary logic.Digital electronics, the foundation to all processors that make the hi- tech computers of today and control systems, an integral part of every unit in an industry, an appliance or electronic gadget (on-off controllers) are derivatives of this.
  In our life also, we like some people while we stay away from a few others.We are 'pro' or 'anti' a certain issu or cause.Even our religions preach us something along similar lines(God and satan, devas and rakshasas).But how often is it that we feel ,we definitely do not loathe a person but are not particulaly fond of either?This conception of a certain event or person as not completely positive or negative(1 or 0) is fuzzy logic.For classifying any event on the basis of a set of parameters, we rate it for each of these parameters in values ranging from 0 to 1.Today, this is one of the most sought-after areas of instrumentation, but lets look at it from a different perspective.
  The first time I consciously started thinking about this was when reading a fantasy fiction (Simoquin Prophecies, by Samit Basu).A line from the book goes this way,"There is nothing that is truly, completely evil or good".The father says this to his son( a skilled magician) who was actually in pursuit of the king of rakshas to defeat him,only to realise that, that is none other than his own father, who he had known as the great warrior his mother, crown princess of the noblest magical clan had fallen in love with in the woods.The line struck a chord with me.It made such an impact on me that i almost completely discarded binary logic from my life.
  The people i thought were vile i realised, were not'bad' after all.It was just that our outlook of life was not the same.They were not after all devoid of human company;likewise, the ones i am fond of need not be loved by all others, be it my favourite actor, literary work or  song.
Why, the ploy of the devas to distract sage Vishwamithra by sending  the apsara Menaka, to prevent him from proclaiming his status as Brahmarishi(the king of rishis and thus a king) can also be subjected to contention on moral grounds.While I might despise a terrorist and see him as  an embodiment of evil thoughts, hell bent on  disrupting a peaceful, harmonious society, there are still staunch supporters of him and his ideals
  While this logic does not really help me to obviate the world of such vicissitudes, at a personal level it  helps me stay aloof from a considerable amount of perturbance, angst and confusion.I now see the world with a fuzzy eye and no longer find black and white, but instead innumerable shades of gray, and believe me, it really helps.